Episode 1: Death’s in the Mirror
Blue: Sweetie, don’t look now, but I think love wants us dead.
Red: You don’t say? (she smiled here)
Red: Wait, I see it too, that’s death in the green mini-van, right?
Blue: Yep. (Man, was Blue stony eyed, focused like an eagle)
Red: Well I mean, it had to happen eventually. (Giggle)
Red: Just because love suddenly wants us dead doesn’t mean I’m going to let you get away with using words that aren’t words.
Blue: *Thinking…. (How best to trigger…)
Red: Okay, bud, death is literally in our fucking rear-view mirror and you’re choosing now to give me the silent treatment? Couldn’t you have done it yesterday, you know when you wouldn’t shut-up about how the particles at the center of a light bulb–
Red: What the fuck! I wasn’t done… (Scrunches face in that cute way that makes Blue wanna flick her cheek)
Red: Hey! Stop flicking my damned cheek!
10 slow seconds pass as the couple drive down the old 42. Blue notes the rugged and deep cracks whizzing by, trying to focus on individual cracks in detail, but failing each time. Red is seething, furiously slotting her brains available RAM into a single task: realizing a vicious yet sensitive retort to her lesser half. That was it! Her lesser half…perfect!
Red: Blue, before death catches up, I just want you to know that–
Blue: No need to say it, I wish we had time for Pistachio flavored Gelato too, in fact, I distinctly regret not binging on luscious Pistach–
Red: Honey! (Makes a sad face, the one with the faux-puppy dog eyes) Stop interrupting me when we are running from Dea–
Blue: You know, that was kind of rude, dear. I mean I appreciate and support what you have to say, but I was talking. These kinds of lapses in courtesy really grind my gears. Especially when Death is literally in our, and I can not stress this enough, the literal robed-life-snatching-scythe-guy is chasing us in a raggedy green mini-fucking-van.
Red: We should drive faster, shouldn’t we?
Blue: Do you really think we can outrun death?
Red: Yeah, he’s in a min-van.
Blue: Oh, wow. You’re right. Floor it!
And that Red did, floor it, that is. Blue, feeling a sudden rush of confidence, rolled down his window and waggled the center-most flesh-pointer of his right hand at the forlorn-fellow in the green mini-van.
Red: That’s a bit much, what if he makes it hurt more because of that? Wait, oh…shoot.
Blue: Nice going, how are we supposed to outrun death and the law? Especially when the law is in an armored Mustang with a shit-tier paint job?
Red: You gave me the go ahead to do this thing!
Blue: I don’t recall. Wait, don’t slow down! I already lost my licence, what do we do if you get too many points?
Red: Oh shit, you’re right!
As Red slammed on the accelerator, the Law-man, who’d started to pull left, mirrored her wanton acceleration with the vigor and poise befitting a man of his station.
Blue: Oh shit baby, he’s swerving across traffic! Look Red!
Red: I’m going 98 in a 65, Blue, I can’t look right now!
Red: Why are you waiving your arms around like that?!
Blue: I can’t even right now…Baby, you can slow down.
Red: What? Why?!
Blue: Well death totally just broad-sided the law and the two cars are rolling down a cliff in a brutal and fiery, yet romantic, fashion.
Red: Well…I mean…that doesn’t sound so bad, does it? (Her brow had curled into a thoughtful furrow)
Blue: There are worse ways to go!
Suddenly, without a word, Red swerved left towards the cliff. If only I knew what the cliff meant to her. Maybe, it meant hope. As they fell, a stoic and euphoric haze engulfed the two lovers. Neither had ever felt so utterly complete, let alone content, with their menial lives.
Wait, no. Actually, it was shit-show.
Blue: OH GOD!! What are you doing Red?! (A look of terror spread across Blue’s pubescent face as the ground disappeared from under the small car)
Red: I THOUGHT THIS IS WHAT WE WANTED!
Blue: WHY WOULD YOU MAKE THIS KIND OF DECISION WITHOUT CONSULTING ME?!
Red: MAYBE IF YOU HADN’T KEPT INTERRUPTING M–
Unfortunately, the car’s impact against a jagged rock twice its size robbed Red of the chance to realize the irony of her last sentence. If the meaning of that last sentence wasn’t clear, here is Neil deGrasse Tyson with the details:
Neil: The unrelenting G-force of the car’s descent through gravity whilst maintaining its significant velocity was met with an equal and opposite reaction from the rock. This collision, of sorts, caused Red’s head to meet the steering wheel with such a force that it immediately caved in, spraying her brain-stuff all over Blue, who miraculously, despite a really nasty sprained ankle, made a full recovery.